


Nothing But Edges

by Uthizaar



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Grief/Mourning, Iron Man - Freeform, Loss, M/M, Marvel Universe, Older Man/Younger Man, One-sided Tony Stark/Peter Parker, POV First Person, Pain, Self-Reflection, Spider Man - Freeform, Spider-Man: Homecoming Spoilers, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 13:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18661666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uthizaar/pseuds/Uthizaar
Summary: After his defeat at the hands of Thanos and the loss of the Infinity War, Tony Stark finds himself floating in space with nothing to do but think about all the things he forgot to say to the newest Avenger.





	Nothing But Edges

_Above Titan, Unknown Day, Unknown Hour_

Losing someone is hard, losing anyone is hard, but when it's a person you care about...when you didn't even realize it, that's when losing hurts the most. When the sharp barb of the loss tears a jagged wound through your chest with every breath. Hard to admit too for...so many reasons. The obvious of course, he's young, I'm not. He looked at me for a mentor and I tried to be that, tried to ignore the other stuff, tried to ignore that the innocent glimmer in his eyes wanted something else. Maybe that was just my imagination. I guess it had to be otherwise...Iron Man is meant to be the hero, the good guy, Earth’s greatest defender, he's not meant to look at Spider-man and see...

Lightning in a bottle. When he first flashed those pearly whites and gave me just a hint of Steve Rogers in a younger, better face, damn! That was what I thought; I'm taking this kid into combat and that smile is never going to be as bright again. I knew he was smart, knew that with the right guidance and training, he could rival me, hell, maybe he even could've given my pops a run for his money. He proved his worth though, Parker; your friendly neighborhood Spider-man always there when you need him. 

Well, not anymore. 

I sent him home, when the ship pulled back into orbit. But...he's tenacious, he never gives-ah, gave-up. Heh, yeah, my voice just broke. Those are the sharp edges I was talking about. That hard realization that you want to save him; he could help you turn the tide, but the risk of losing him, losing that smile, that perfect lilt in his voice when he says your name, it's too much to bear. But like I said, Spider-man never gives up, I should have known better, I should have protected him better. I should have been the one-

Designing the suit. Hmm, I could write volumes, I _have_ written volumes on those designs; the Iron Man suits. The first one was rough, but they improved. And Spider-man's suit; I knew he needed to be nimble and light, no extra mass, no extra weight to bulk him down when he already was able to go a few rounds with the bad guys without taking too much damage. When I saw him in it the first time, I thought I had gone too far on the side of agility; it showed his body off so well, but Parker never complained or said anything about it. I thought maybe...foolish notions, longing for something that shouldn't be there, no matter how much I wanted it to be there. The metal one was easier...Iron Spider, tying us closer together. I never got to tell him though, not in the right way. And now I…now I can't.

The references though, the "really old movie" he'd always base his plans on; pop-culture Parker! They aren't old movies to me. And that's the problem, isn't it? _Wasn't_ I should say now. If _The Empire Strikes Back_ and _Aliens_ are really old films to the kid, what does that make me? Avenger, mentor, hell, I'd settle for big brother status, but I'm sure that he only sees me as a father figure and that is…it isn’t right. If I told him the truth, if I trusted him not to freak out, maybe things could have been different. I’d wait of course, not that _that_ side of things really drove my interest in him; his mind, his personality, that was what drew me in.

The battle...I guess it's time I talked about the battle. Trying to defeat someone with that much power, that much belief in his mission, it was never going to be easy, no matter how I tried to dress it up. No matter how confident I was that we could beat him- I didn't want to let the kid see that I was afraid-I knew that we had only a sliver of a chance. It was close, but a close defeat is still losing. Altogether, acting as one, we _almost_ had the gauntlet off. And yet we let victory slip through our fingers. Hubris. Arrogance. I know those names too well; I shouldn't have been surprised that someone who names himself _Star-Lord_ would give into goading just as we were about to succeed. Spider-man was helping me with the gauntlet as Star-Lord tried interrogating Thanos and he lost control asking about Gamora. I understand now, I didn't then, but I hadn't lost as he had, not yet. Would I risk the fate of the universe to find Peter Parker? I’m hesitating even though I know how I _should_ answer.

That moment, that moment when Thanos stabbed me and I felt the cold edge of death creep over my skin, I wasn't thinking anymore about losing, that Thanos was winning, that soon he would be able to snap his fingers and wipe out half the universe. I was thinking about him, Spider-man, about not telling him. Telling him would have been awkward and wrong and dangerous. But not telling him how I felt in that moment was worse than the ache of all those other times I had stayed silent. Feeling my own morality casting its shadow over me; time was running out.

And then it happened, the moment when I knew we had lost. It was as though the universe was taking a great breath before the exhale, Titan becoming stillness and timeless. Until the first one began to fade. She just fell away, like dust on the wind among an awful silence. They all went, one by one, Strange's words a cold comfort in the gathering solitude. Then it was _his_ turn, his sweet, innocent voice, a tremble of fear echoing through it. "Mr Stark?" Words I’ll remember the sound of until I take my own, final, breath. 

He fell against me, clinging so tight, he didn't want to leave, a true embrace, the first and the last. Begging to stay, begging for me to make him stay, perhaps not yet realizing that I was powerless. That last moment, those final precious seconds, there was an opening, a space, I could have said something! I should have said something!

But I didn't. 

I held him, as close as we had ever been, looking into his eyes as he turned to dust. The last words a whispered apology. But it wasn't him that had failed. And then my hand went through where his chest had been, the dust of his being floating in the wind.

And now? Now I'm stuck here, recording my last words to a machine that could float for centuries in the empty void. Reciting bad poetry over a love that could never be. Stuck with my memories; sweet and bitter, lightning in a bottle, innocent eyes, and that final, hopeless despair as I lost him.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t usually-ever, in fact- write stories from the first person, but this is pretty reflective. I love the MCU and I love the Avengers; I haven’t seen Endgame yet, hopefully I’ll see it this weekend, but I have been re-watching the other films. The relationship between Spider-man and Iron Man always struck me as having the potential for something more, something deeper, but always one-sided, as though neither could freely admit their feelings for one reason or another.
> 
> In any case, I’ll write a follow-up to this when I see Endgame, probably in a month or so’s time to avoid any initial spoilers. And no spoiling if you have seen it, please!


End file.
